An excerpt from one of my favorite novellas, "The Sitters", by Australian writer Alex Miller. Here the aging artist receives a visit from his estranged son. The first time I read this passage, I was struck by how true it is--and how I'd never find the words to express this, for myself or others.
"My son was standing up close to these drawings staring at them. They are nude studies. Glimpses. Diagonals. Verticals. You don't see much. Mark, that's my son, is standing up close to these drawings of Jessica and he's staring at them for a long time. 'What do you think of them?' I asked him.
'How can you find these people interesting.'
There was a certain amount of contempt in the way he said this, as if he wished to imply that my entire life was some kind of a sham. 'Well,' I said. 'You know, they pay me. The money's very good.' I did that to confirm him. To let him think he was right about me.
'You never painted us. You never found us that interesting. Me and Mum.'
It's true of course and it hurts to hear him say it. He's talking about my weakness. But you reach a point where you cease trying to justify yourself. The first thing some people do then is to judge you harshly. And it turns out they've been waiting for an opportunity to do it. For years. If you won't defend yourself then you must be a bastard and there's an end of it. He left in the morning. He'd made his point. It worried me of course. But there's only so much energy left. Either you use your energy for your work or you use it for something else."
'How can you find these people interesting.'
There was a certain amount of contempt in the way he said this, as if he wished to imply that my entire life was some kind of a sham. 'Well,' I said. 'You know, they pay me. The money's very good.' I did that to confirm him. To let him think he was right about me.
'You never painted us. You never found us that interesting. Me and Mum.'
It's true of course and it hurts to hear him say it. He's talking about my weakness. But you reach a point where you cease trying to justify yourself. The first thing some people do then is to judge you harshly. And it turns out they've been waiting for an opportunity to do it. For years. If you won't defend yourself then you must be a bastard and there's an end of it. He left in the morning. He'd made his point. It worried me of course. But there's only so much energy left. Either you use your energy for your work or you use it for something else."
No comments:
Post a Comment