Sunday night T and I had drinks at a side-walk cafe in my neighborhood. T was confounded by my paranoid reaction from the previous night. I drank sparkling water and gave my explanation for what came down to an irrelevant interpretation of what was truly happening in the air.
'No, it reflected my reaction towards this kind of situation rather than my feelings for you or what we're doing. This is something I'm sure you can understand.'
'That I can understand. The heart of it is that you don't trust me,' he said.
'And now you're concerned.'
'It's your actions that make me question seeing you.'
I could no longer suppress my frowns or looking into the distance so I could shield myself from his defense, though I gave him credit for putting it into words. There has been any number of people who misinterpreted my intensity as emotional investment. If I put my arms around you and tremble at the touch of you, wouldn't you mean something to me? No, it means I am me, and I would be weary at your concern and questions.
To save us from further sabotage I invited T to come to my place and meet my cat. T recently got two kittens, though they are still shy around him. Taro being a nervous cat was hiding behind my nightstand when we approached.
'He has very pretty eyes,' T said.
'He does,' I said. 'And you, don't be so cautious.'
'I have to be. You've met me at a strange moment of my life.'
At dinner at I ordered mango salad. T put his hand on the table for me to hold it. He was tired from the lack of quality sleep--think alcohol and depression--and constant over-thinking. I was tired from trying to diffuse the blow-up with smiles, reason and half-hearted reassurance.
'Can you forget about it? I mean move on.'
'I can and I will forget it after a while...I mean I'll be patient and not jump into conclusion. And you? Are you going to think anymore about this?'
'I have very good recovery speed.'
'You're cool; you see the best in people,' he said, 'you've chosen a very odd person.'
I went quiet. Did I ever choose anyone? But T is right: I choose people all the time. And I have a compulsion to act kind, even at times when I feel sick at what is happening or that someone has nothing good to offer. Kindness is a mask for selfishness: people have no need for biting words, but the truth is I want the moment to be as good as it can be before I let it go.
T gave me a wide grin through the cab window. He is supposed to come back, but I would not be surprised if he does not. There is nothing more I will do now that I have written about it.
'No, it reflected my reaction towards this kind of situation rather than my feelings for you or what we're doing. This is something I'm sure you can understand.'
'That I can understand. The heart of it is that you don't trust me,' he said.
'And now you're concerned.'
'It's your actions that make me question seeing you.'
I could no longer suppress my frowns or looking into the distance so I could shield myself from his defense, though I gave him credit for putting it into words. There has been any number of people who misinterpreted my intensity as emotional investment. If I put my arms around you and tremble at the touch of you, wouldn't you mean something to me? No, it means I am me, and I would be weary at your concern and questions.
To save us from further sabotage I invited T to come to my place and meet my cat. T recently got two kittens, though they are still shy around him. Taro being a nervous cat was hiding behind my nightstand when we approached.
'He has very pretty eyes,' T said.
'He does,' I said. 'And you, don't be so cautious.'
'I have to be. You've met me at a strange moment of my life.'
At dinner at I ordered mango salad. T put his hand on the table for me to hold it. He was tired from the lack of quality sleep--think alcohol and depression--and constant over-thinking. I was tired from trying to diffuse the blow-up with smiles, reason and half-hearted reassurance.
'Can you forget about it? I mean move on.'
'I can and I will forget it after a while...I mean I'll be patient and not jump into conclusion. And you? Are you going to think anymore about this?'
'I have very good recovery speed.'
'You're cool; you see the best in people,' he said, 'you've chosen a very odd person.'
I went quiet. Did I ever choose anyone? But T is right: I choose people all the time. And I have a compulsion to act kind, even at times when I feel sick at what is happening or that someone has nothing good to offer. Kindness is a mask for selfishness: people have no need for biting words, but the truth is I want the moment to be as good as it can be before I let it go.
T gave me a wide grin through the cab window. He is supposed to come back, but I would not be surprised if he does not. There is nothing more I will do now that I have written about it.
No comments:
Post a Comment