Monday, March 14, 2011


For the most part there is only one decision I cannot make--to stop being decisive. Those of you who are my friends in real life would know that I tend to give definite answers, even when I am caught off guard in awkward situations. Do I want to go to this place on Saturday? Yes, by 9pm, even if it turns out that I'm busy or I haven't slept in 20 hours on that day. Will I do this for you next month because you need help? Yes, you don't need to ask again because I'll remember. We have had the biggest fall out. Do I still want to be your friend? No, and it's very unlikely that I'll ever change my mind. Now leave me alone. 

Unless it's a major ordeal and something falls through--I'm out of work, or I have another rather serious plan to attend to so I can't visit as promised--you can expect me to be there. If I can't keep my word, I'll tell you why, unless I want nothing more to do with you and just want you gone. This 'decisive' streak causes me a fair bit of trouble. I might have gone through a dozen reasons why it's a bad idea for me to do something, but I follow through simply because I've committed to it. Other times it works out for the better as it pushes me through phantom worries to do make things happen. 

A part of this decisiveness is a kind of disguise. One day I can still sound consistent and interested as I'm trying to stick to a previous decision with/about you, all the while watching my patience vanish into thin air. Once it goes past my limit, that's that, even if you've been totally unaware. A tango friend of mine once said she refused to be degraded into the position of having to defend herself or her actions. I'm the same. 

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