1. I have a serious dread of writing about anything that happens in my real life on this blog. Sometimes I write long entries about my friends, my thoughts and feelings surrounding an idea, an event that's a bit of an ordeal in my everyday life, which should be revealing, no? No, anyone can tell how those entries are very 'composed'. Which isn't to say what I write here isn't true stories or I lie about what I feel about stuff. Just that most of these anecdotes are so deliberately vague that you get a persona, rather than any sense of this Nicolette Wong as a real person at all.
2. I didn't and still don't mean to do that, not really. Okay, I did start this blog as some kind of 'professional persona' to share my writing and to connect with other writers. The writing on this blog was always going to be a bit of a 'performance', and I have a knack for writing quite honestly about personal stuff and shielding myself at the same time. But there were definitely times in the past when I was much more direct or open. Like two years ago when I left the Commie Castle (the newspaper), or last year when I was lovesick, or even last summer when I heard about the suicide of a writer/art critic friend which sent me running out of the office and crying down the street in broad daylight.
3. I don't mind people knowing who I am at all, if they do. It's just something I don't think much about--sometimes I'm oblivious to why or how people may pay attention to what I'm doing, like a story or a status update or a photo I post, whatever it is. In my mind, people are busy doing their own thing, paying attention to those who're closer or more familiar to them, and I'm a bit off their radar, or I simply don't imagine anyone looking at or reading up on me. Some people do and I know that they do, and I appreciate it. Otherwise, I am surprised when someone--esp. those I admire for their talent--drop by and say, 'Hi, so you've been doing this and that and I think it's good/bad!'
4. It's for practical reasons that I've developed that terrible dread of actually telling you about what I'm doing, or painting any pictures that will give you a clearer sense of who this Nicolette Wong is, at this moment in time. In the past years, for some rather unfortunate reasons, I have 'collected' a few troubled characters in my social life who will not let go of the past. People who go on to, in their mind, wrestle with those who betrayed or left them out of disloyalty. Or simply alcoholics who cling onto past friends and lovers out of self-pity. They still read and contact me and in one case, make feeble attempts to attack me. I never respond to them, but it makes me a bit hesitant about saying too much on this blog.
5. I'm as strong-willed as anyone can be--I don't ever doubt who I am, my worth as a person, my talent as a writer, my value as a friend or a lover because of conventional standards, others' expectations, lack of understanding or pure malice. There're occasional moments of agony, and when I get pressured enough, I walk off in tears. Some people who don't get it think I'm being a crybaby. The truth is I fucking can't stand it when a person or a situation demands that I bend, just to appease or pacify somebody. People who get furious and judgmental when someone isn't living up to their standards of behavior, their assumptions and hopes about the state of things. Such self-absorption or possessiveness--to think that one can lay claims on others, on life--I will never understand.
6. I'm as strong-willed as I am because I grew up very much alone. I started practically living on my own at 13, in a not-very-nice flat in public housing. My mother was out of my life by then and my father was--eh, this is the only accurate way of putting it--a loser. Think debts; nightly (esp. midnight) harassment from strangers; no money for food after the weekend; no certainty of where I was going to live the next day; packing a backpack to run away from threats. Someone always helped out, but I lived through all of that quite by myself, in that not-so-nice studio flat or in a relative's home, for several years. I read some textbooks through high school, studied some fiction and poetry in the university. It wasn't too bad.
7. Since April my life has been bogged down by practical issues: job, money, flat, job, money. I've been laying low at home a lot, though I do hang out with friends I want to see and/or those who really want to see me. Some people around me get married, get promoted at work, go dancing, take holidays. I read, listen to music, take photos, dream and write, amid the struggle of trying to sort out my practical affairs. Things are moving slowly at the mundane level, and it looks like it'll stay that way for a while. But it'll work out sooner or later, and sooner isn't necessarily better, so I hope it happens at the okay time.
8. I have my moments of anxiety, but for the most part, I feel like I'm floating on the top of all these issues. It even looks like I'm floating to a happier place than I've ever been. I write everyday, my focus is to work on myself as a writer, while I try to make money here and there to sustain my everyday life. It doesn't bother me that others are living more comfortable lives, doing more fun things, or 'getting ahead in life', so to speak. From a very young age I've been doing what I'm doing, because it's what I do. It means writing, and it has nothing to do with anyone or anything else at all.
I am one of your regular readers and fans. I follow regularly only a few blogs, and they are all blogs written by writers. I am both curious about and interested in the lives and thoughts of people who write, whether by profession, avocation,or compulsion.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry you are not able to feel free with your writing and your thoughts here. But I understand.
I empathize with people who have a public occupation being stalked. Once I was, and it was madly frustrating. My stalker, clearly a sociopath, was a man I did not know and had never met. He appeared everywhere I appeared on the Internet -- my blog, travel forums, other people's blogs -- and spewed vicious and ridiculous attacks. I blocked his IP as spam, but he would just use Internet cafes. I blocked every IP he appeared from as spam, since I rarely had regular readers from those places so did not fear blocking someone else. This went on for years. I can't remember how many, but at least 5 years. Then he just disappeared. He probably died from exploding hatred. I've not been stalked by him for the last four or five years.
My advice based on this -- I just continued doing what I wanted to do, writing what I wanted to write, appearing where I wanted to appear, and treated this stalker as the equivalent of a sore toe. It's annoying, but eventually it goes away.
I would love to know you better, more of your story.
Yeah. I keep up with a handful of blogs, all written by writers as well. Most of them, like your and Court's and a couple others I like, they may reveal anything personal, but their posts show glimpses of real lives in a way that mine don't. The writers talk about movies they've seen, books they've read, novels/stories they're working on, photos of where they've been, even their wasting away in front of the TV for days on end.
ReplyDeleteI enjoy these posts for the same reason you mentioned, and at times, they give me clearer ideas why/how these writers write what they write - which can be kind of encouraging, when I reflect on what I do. I find myself leaving long comments on these fellow writers' blogs, telling 'Oh yeah, I do this and that too' or just bits & pieces about myself. Then I wonder why I'm doing that instead of writing about it here.
The stalkers are one thing, of course. Then sometimes I'm a little elusive because I don't want certain people (mostly, guys who buzz around me) to know too much about what I'm up to, who I am. That's the main difference between your circumstances--which are always changing--and mine. I wouldn't mind living elsewhere, but for now my settings are 'fixed'. So there's the question of whether I want to make my life more 'accessible' than it already is to some people.
That said, I do enjoy getting to know my fellow writers better and I'd be happy if they know me better too, until I have a chance to meet them in person. Well, for as long as you're moving and traveling across the world, I shall have more destinations on my travel wish list, ha!
Hey Nicolette, speaking for myself, I would like to see more about yourself in your blog posts. But I can see very clearly why you wouldn't want to do that. I was leery for a long time about putting anything personal at all up on the web, and I still cringe a little when I do it. I guess I just sort of surrendered to the "everyone's doing it" mentality on that front.
ReplyDeleteI like the little bits of info you do reveal, though. Tantalizing. I often wonder who the people you are talking about specifically are, and if they read it, and how they respond. You've mentioned this a couple times, weak-wristed attempts to get back in touch by a former lover. In that respect, you've gotten a lot mroe personal on your blog than I have!
You're welcome in Wyoming anytime, btw. And, you know, we plan on buzzing across the pacific to Thailand every couple years or so and HK is a common stopping-over point. Never been to HK, always been a place I'd like to see ...
Definitely have a stop-over in HK next time, Court! Great city for a short trip and I'll take you to the cool places, yeah!
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