1. I haven't written on this blog for a while because I've been upset. Over that bust-up with the girl who had been one of my closest friends for 13 years. The one I wrote about in my last post. To call it a bust-up may be an exaggeration as nothing horrendous happened, and I can't be sure how I'd feel about it when the dust settles.
2. For a week or two I had problem sleeping. I drank a lot of orange-flavored Lucozade and churned out words at the computer. Silly work gigs that hardly paid. I wrapped up two flash pieces, one better than the other but neither was something that ached to be written. Which I'm okay with, that's just how it goes at times.
3. It's looking like I have to take that break from writing I've been thinking of for a while. For the past months I nursed a brokenness within, let it bounce off the page in shards that cut but also relieved me of this burden I could have bent under. By now the brokenness has dissipated. I've embraced it, lived it and now there's only a still frame of black and white in my heart, until I close my eyes, fall asleep and wake up to go somewhere else.
4. The nights I couldn't sleep, I spent them pacing around my studio flat or running my hands through my hair in front of the computer. Was I being judgmental or unfair in any way? What other choices would I have made if I were her? How would I feel if I were in her shoe? Could I deal with the situation any differently, knowing that my friend would be upset by my actions?
5. I go through this Q&A every time I'm in a conflict with someone, and I suppose some of you do, too. In some cases, I'd go back to the friend/lover and say, "Look, I think this is how you might feel about all this..." or I'd give that speech if the other person wants to "have a chat". Then they break down a little and say "Yes" and the situation is resolved in seemingly amicable manners.
6. It's almost never the other way around - very few friends or lovers have, or can look at me in the eye and tell me how they think I might be feeling in a way that brings home the truth. Many of them, like the gal pal in question, are perfectly genuine and caring people who'd give a lot for others. But they function in different channels, they're not what I'd describe as "bold" or "upfront" and they don't analyze things as much.
8. Except that's the one thing I truly want from people--that they can look at me in the eye to show me they understand, and they're not afraid to deal with thing as they are. Is that a lot to ask? I'm a snob and I only like people who are intelligent and strong and honest--who don't do or accept cop out, big or small. Is that a lot to ask?